By Guest Blogger, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
In light of the Sex and the City movie that recently came out May 27th, I wanted to take a look at an idea that goes a bit deeper than “just” sex: how to get beyond a first date and, eventually, how to find the person you’re SURE you want to marry.
I receive questions on a regular basis from people wondering why he (or she) was “just not that into” them. If we’ve been in the dating pool, we’re familiar with the scenario of a typical good first date: you have a good time, you have a lot in common, you handle your emotion or attraction in a mature way (i.e., you don’t hop into bed with each other!), you think that this could be the relationship that really goes somewhere! But then you spend the next few days waiting for a phone call, wondering if you should call first, checking your text messages every hour. Then if you don’t hear anything, you start analyzing your behavior, analyzing THEIR behavior, wondering what you did wrong … and so forth. Do this a few times and it’s enough to dampen anyone’s enthusiasm for the dating world.
So – all you Carries and Mirandas et al out there, and anyone else who’s wondering what it’s going to take to find a successful relationship, listen up. I discuss a number of non-traditional ideas for making a relationship work in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up. So here are a few tips on how to get past the first date – and they’re not your run-of-the-mill insights.
First up, if he or she doesn’t call you right away – chances are they ARE that into you, they just don’t want to come across as needy or clingy. I suggest women should make the first move in connecting for a first date and getting past that possible lull of uncertainty. If you like him, tell him! (But, PS, texting and emailing during the day can actually deflate the spark of in-person romance!)
Secondly, talk about money on a first date. That’s right, I said bring up the elephant in the room. It will help alleviate the awkward “who’s paying” moment, but it will also help start you out on the same page. I don’t mean that you have to talk about your exact salary or how much you put into savings each month. Starting off by discussing your family patterns as related to money – what I call your Financial Imago – can be a good place to begin.
Third, utilize what I call Smart Heart Skills. I discuss this further in Make Up Don’t Break Up and usually I encourage couples who have been together for a while use it as a way of getting through rough patches and creating a place where it’s safe to speak their mind. But it can work for early dating relationships as well.
Of course, you might know right off the bat if a certain person is worth a second date or not, but if you need more time to figure out what type of commitment you could make to someone, you’ll want to get beyond that first date!